The Hardest Button to Button
by nondescript name
Summary: Blair and Chuck are married. They used to love each other. They used to be a happy couple. Maybe all they need to do is remember what they used to be. BC, other couples mentioned. Angst but fluffy flashbacks! R and R.
1. Prologue

**The Hardest Button to Button**

**A/N** – Ok, my first Gossip Girl story. Be gentle :P

**Info** – This is set two years after Blair and Chuck have married. Kinda sorta AU. I'm going to be doing a lot of flashbacks. This is a very short prolouge.

--- 

Blair was crying. Again. Chuck had cheated. Again.

Blair ran to the kitchen, hoping Chuck wouldn't follow. Blair never liked Chuck to see her cry; the kitchen was her retreat. It wasn't a very good one, though, and Chuck can't count how many times he'd seen Blair's tears.

"I'm sorry, it was a one night stand, it meant nothing," Chuck was repeating these words over and over to his wife, like he'd done twice before.

Blair resided by the counter, her back facing Chuck. She sobbed quietly, though it echoed. Chuck wanted to make her feel better, only to remember it's because of him she's upset.

"Get out of this house." She whispered.

"W-what?" Chuck heard her, but needed to ask anyway. Even though Blair was always furious with Chuck for cheating, she never asked him to leave.

"Get out of my house." Blair was talking in a normal volume now, and decided that this was her house. After all, she had chosen it and everything that was there.

"B, be ration—"

Blair had gotten angry. She whipped around. "Don't call me B. Don't ask me to be rational about this. Get out of my house. Not in five minutes, not in two minutes, not in 30 seconds. Leave. Now." she said through clenched teeth. Through her anger there was fear and sadness in her eyes.

Chuck just stood there with blank eyes. He was stunned.

"Charles Ba—" Blair started to scream

"I'm going." Chuck sighed.

He turned around and headed for the door.


	2. Chapter One

**A/N: **Here's the next chapter. Sorry if I'm jumping all of a sudden to after Blair and Chuck married to them graduating high school. If you're confused I'll join present day Chapters with flashbacks.Oh, and one noob-like question: Do we have to upload a different document for each chapter?

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_

_6/15/09 – Blair's Realization_

It was senior year. Blair had gotten into Yale. All was well.

Except for one thing. Nate.

Ever since she found out about Serena and Nate (and even before), Blair felt second in Nate's heart. Actually, since Nate realized Blair slept with Chuck before him, he rarely said anything to her. Blair and Nate's mom reconciled the two. But everyone ignored that. Yes, she loved Nate. Yes, she wanted to marry him. Yes, she had hoped to lose her virginity to him.

Lov_ed_. Want_ed_. Hop_ed_.

As Blair was preparing for her graduation, she reevaluated her life. Good family, good friends, good education, shitty boyfriend.

She wanted something more. Something better.

Blair began thinking of a time in a relationship where she'd been happy, and first in the boy's heart.

Grimly, Blair thought of the one other person she'd been with (after her small crushes in elementary school, that is): Chuck Bass.

Blair felt tears coming on. All of a sudden all that was in her mind was her conversations with Chuck the year before, and, more vividly, the nights she had with him.

She didn't care about crying because it was graduation and everyone was supposed to cry.

_Why Bass? _A thought that kept cycling in Blair's mind. _As soon as you left him and slept with Nate, he didn't want you then. There's no way in hell he's going to want you now._

Blair would stay with Nate; it was the only sensible thing to do. Blair would give up her happiness and settle.

Well, fuck sensible. Blair wanted to smile when someone mentioned her love life. Blair wanted to feel at ease when her boyfriend, or fiancé, or husband went to work. Blair wanted someone to love her.

Blair wanted Chuck.

_6/15/09 – Serena's Graduation Party_

Blair sighed and took a sip of champagne. She wasn't sighing because she was leaving her friends, or that the champagne tasted cheap. It was because her fascination with Chuck would have to end.

Chuck made it loud and clear a year ago that he was done with Blair. They had both moved on—Blair with Nate Take 3 (Take 3 being an estimate; it's probably Take 50 by now) and Chuck with God knows how many girls.

Still. She wanted him. What Blair wants, Blair bitches and fights until she gets.

Blair set out for Chuck. She scanned the room for what seemed forever. Finally, she spotted him sitting at the bar. No surprise.

She walked slowly towards him through the crowd. They hadn't talked much since everyone found out about their affair. A congrats when they both gotten into the college of their choice, a joke about Serena when she came down with the flu and was as demanding as her mother. But that's as far as their interactions had gone. It's not that they had that much anger toward each other; their conversations just weren't the same.

"Martini, dry." Blair ordered, hoping to get the taste of that champagne out of her mouth (but more importantly to get Chuck's attention). She sat on the stool next to Chuck's.

"Make it two." She heard his voice.

Blair smiled and turned to face him. "Sick of brandy, Bass?"

"I'm making it my point to drink every possible concoction in the world tonight." Chuck playfully informed. It was hard to hear with everyone talking, but Blair strained to listen. They got their drinks.

"Oh, really?" Blair took a sip between sentences. "I'd think it'd be hard to find a six pack of beer here."

Chuck grinned. "This is Serena's party, remember?"

Blair chucked genuinely. She was still unsure how to get him alone. "Well, how many drinks have you downed so far?" she continued small talk.

"Only three: brandy, champagne, and the martini. It's kind of a slow night." Good. He wasn't _that_ drunk.

Before he could finish his drink, Blair piped in. "Can I…speak to you? Somewhere, where I can hear myself think?" she didn't know how to say it.

Chuck wasn't expecting that to come out of Blair's mouth. "Sure, this party's boring me already." His tone was a tad uneasy.

---

They settled in Serena's bedroom. Both have been there numerous times with each other, but this time made them both nervous. Blair sat on the bed while Chuck decided to remain standing.

Blair took a deep breath. Her plan stopped at getting Chuck alone, and she was improvising from there. "I…don't know how to put this." She looked at him with glistening eyes. She swallowed, and looked down at her twiddling thumbs. "Nate doesn't love me. I know this. I've known for a while. And, even though I'm only 18, I think I deserve someone who wants me." Her hands became blurry to her, and she refused to look up at him. "Bass, you're the only one who ever did want me. I know what you said last year and I know I was awful to you, but…" she trailed off, and finally looked up.

Chuck was leaning against Serena's dresser, looking out the window. He was lost for words. His glance met hers. "You're crying." He whispered, astonished.

Blair was embarrassed, and wiped her eyes. "Yeah, guess so." She stood up and started toward him. "I guess I have the butterflies now." she laughed.

Chucked wasn't that amused, but he smirked as if he was.

She reached him. "God, I'm an idiot. I'm so sorry for doing this." She turned her head and saw Manhattan outside. "I guess…I just wanted something better. But we can't always get what we want." That was the first time Blair even thought about those words, let alone say them.

"Maybe you can."

Chuck took her face to his and kissed her.


	3. Chapter Two

**A/N:** Ok, I am THE worst fan-fiction writer ever to walk this earth. I'm so sorry I abandoned this story and if you want me to shun myself from this site I will (hopefully after this chapter you'll forgive me :P). Enjoy. Again, I'm jumping around and hope that's ok. If it's not, just tell me and I'll stick to a set timeline.

Oh, and I didn't know what college Chuck was interested in, so I just said Dartmouth.

--

_Present Day_

Blair was happy. Well, somewhat. Actually, not at all. She had been learning to fake happiness since Chuck first cheated and now is completely unsure of what her real feelings are. She doesn't consider herself pathetic; she's simply a great actress.

Sitting at the dinner table, alone (again), Blair had time to think. _Why did he cheat? _was the central theme of her ponderings. Occasionally throughout the meal, she would remember a party she had to go to that weekend or that there was a sale at Barney's she had to attend, but, for the most part, it was about her husband.

And she hated herself (and him) for it.

--

Chuck was sad. By sad, he meant he wanted to bash his head against something hard, perhaps concrete. _Why did I cheat?_ That sentence whirled in his mind as he was walking the illuminated streets of Manhattan. It was not that he did not love Blair; she was, maybe, the only woman he ever loved, besides his mother.

Chuck knew the answer to that question; he just wasn't able to grasp it. He longed for the sense of comfort, love. It's been almost six months since he felt Blair's touch. Chuck still prides himself as the person who took her virginity (but he never informs Blair about that). He still remembers that night. It's as vivid as if it happened just hours ago.

However, that wasn't the moment where Chuck fell in love with Blair. That happened later. How much later, Chuck was uncertain, but when he did fall in love, he made sure Blair would always be his.

--

_10/9/11 – Blair's Dorm Room_

"Tell me again, how did you get a single?"

Blair laughed. "I have my ways."

Chuck came to New Haven for a surprise visit to Blair. Sophomore year recently started, and for Chuck, that was reason to celebrate.

They had been sitting on Blair's bed, on their sides, talking. There was one lamp in the room, on Blair's side, giving her an almost angelic glow. Chuck was pleased. The two of them shared moments like this: laying there close, staring into the other's eyes, with no desire to speak. If you asked Chuck, these minutes have been spent having sex, or something to that effect. He feels if anyone knew about the time he consumed gazing at Blair, his reputation would be ruined. What Chuck didn't know, was, his reputation has already taken a hit just by being with Blair. Nevertheless, no one has the heart to tell him.

Blair noticed an invisible cowlick on Chuck's head and inched herself closer to mat it down. She kept her position. Their lips were centimeters apart (maybe three, Blair thought. She wasn't knowledgeable of the metric system that much).

Chuck's lips gliding next to hers interrupted her thoughts. It was a slow, deep kiss, one almost alien to Blair. It soon changed into a faster, more wanting gesture. Her hands tangled into his hair (now ruining what she first "fixed" before) and he positioned himself on top of her.

They were used to this. Chuck would visit Blair, or vise versa, and they would somehow end up sleeping together. Neither of them would not categorize it as a routine, exactly, just an event that happened every time they saw each other. Which is the real reason Blair wanted a single. Freshman year it was an embarrassing situation when Chuck visited. Her roommate, named Sophia, would awkwardly leave the room when Chuck came in. He wouldn't of minded if she stayed (which is why Blair absolutely did mind). Luckily for Chuck he got a single his first year. Blair wasn't sure if it was he replied early enough or sent a nice check with his letter.

Blair's shirt and pants were off now, and she was working on Chuck's. He kissed her eyes, her lips, her neck. She let out a sigh (one Chuck found irresistible) as she unbuttoned his shirt.

They had never said "I love you" at this point. When asked why by Sophia last year, Blair considered the reasons, then said, "Because, he's Chuck Bass." Sophia was confused, and shut up about the subject, which is what Blair was hoping for. She secretly wished every time they saw each other he would whisper those three words to her. She heard Nate say it, but it was forced and untrue. Blair was afraid to say them first; she thinks it may ruin a good thing.

Blair and Chuck were together now, Blair pulling on his hair and Chuck kissing her collarbone. She whimpered in his ear, her lipstick getting smudged. Right now, she could care less, but hours later, she would feel discomfited by her appearance. They both let out a final sound, and relaxed.

Chuck rested on top of her, his head on her chest. He swallowed.

"I love you."


	4. Chapter Three

**A/N: **Thanks to the people who alerted this story, and for the comments, I love them all. Please comment and make me happy! XD. And btw I know my Gossip Girl imitation sucks :P

Ok so for this I'm only spending a little time on the present, hope that's ok. This chapter kinda sucks and has no effect on the story, and I was tired when I wrote it. Don't be too harsh…

--

_12/25/08 – Christmas (5 pm)_

_Hey, Upper East siders, Gossip Girl here. As you all know B is having a lush Christmas party tonight, and from what I hear, C is planning to attend. Be careful, this queen B might sting._

_12/25/08 – Christmas at the Waldorf's (10 pm)_

Chuck tried to remember the reason he showed up for this. Oh, right. His dad made him. And, of course, Eleanor just had to seat Chuck and Blair next to each other at dinner. Sometimes Blair regrets not telling her mother about what happened between them.

They tried to ignore each other. They tried to talk with their friends. They tried not to think about each other.

Tried, and failed.

During the appetizers, they were fine. People were keeping Blair busy, discussing how beautiful she was, how her mother's a creative genius, how this was a fabulous party. Chuck was skimming the room, looking for prey. Not one thought about each other.

The soup course was okay, too. A slightly tipsy Eleanor was telling an absolutely scandalous story about her recent trip to London. Blair and Chuck listened, their minds occupied with visions of Eleanor trying to pick up men at a bar.

At the fish course, things started getting bad. Memories of the limo slipped into their thoughts when Chuck accidentally (sincerely accidentally, this time) touched her thigh when he tried to retrieve his napkin.

It started getting worse during the entrées. Blair, disappointed the steak was medium instead of well-done let out a sigh, which triggered recollections (and other sensations) for Chuck. He had to retaliate, so he groaned. Blair blushed.

Dessert was horrifying.

Serena hummed a song they had sex to.

Their minds were dirtier than Chuck's on a good day.

And onlookers think they've grown apart.

_12/31/08 – New Year's Eve at the van der Woodsen's/Basses_

Blair was only there because this was Serena's party.

At first she thought she would have fun. She was "Queen B" again (Little J had no chance) and she gotten accepted early decision from Yale. Yes, a few days ago she had a minor setback, but, for the most part, everything was fine. Well, academically and on the social latter.

If some one had asked Blair why she was so troubled, she either would say "None of your business" or something to do with Nate, who Blair doesn't really care about at the moment. Of course, the real reason was simple: Chuck Bass was co-hosting this party.

The night could've been salvaged, if, Serena hadn't put on a song the limo driver did months before to drown out Blair's moans.

_Present Day_

To calm Blair down, she turned on the radio (something she hasn't done in years)

Good God.

A song they've consummated their marriage to was playing.


	5. Chapter Four

**A/N: **Yes, yes, I have resurrected. I'm seriously so sorry for never updating. If this story dies, it dies. But I'll do my best to keep that from happening :) School, work, excuses, blah blah. Kinda-sorta long. I went off on a tangent for a while. Enjoy.

Sorry for any grammar errors; 2am isn't the best time for editing :P

–

_4/30/12 – Dartmouth College_

No, no, no. This can not be happening.

"Oh, my God. I-I can't believe this." Blair uttered as she opened the door to Chuck's bedroom.

She was planning to surprise him with dinner (and sex, but she wasn't going to tell him that). It was brilliant, how she planned it. It was a long weekend; the perfect time to escape New Haven. Blair had staked out all of the seemingly good bars in town, and found one Chuck would find irresistible. She put on a new outfit (something he would find irresistible in a completely different way). She would stay the night, perhaps the weekend if she felt like it, and prance back to Yale. A weekend getaway.

Those plans were wiped out of her mind when she opened the door to find Chuck fucking a (very loud) girl in a mist of cheap sheets and sweat.

Blair froze, her cheeks reddening and her mouth agape. She felt her vision blur (she prayed to God she wore waterproof mascara), and hastily blinked any tears away . The groans and sound of motion silenced.

The girl, doe eyed and panting, kept her eyes on Chuck. His face was similar to a child who was caught with a cookie before dinner.

"I'm sorry I'm interrupted you too. Continue." Blair's mouth tasted stale as the words left, cold. Her lips trembled, she was so desperate not to cry. Her eyes, directed at the tangled sheets, moved to Chuck. For one moment, their eyes locked. She saw nothing redeeming. Then she turned and walked out the door.

She had no idea where she was going; the only route she ever taken was from the entrance of the school to Chuck's room. She walked briskly down the corridor, pushing everything out of her thoughts except for where the stairs were. No time to wait for an elevator, she didn't want Chuck to chase her.

Blair was unsure he would even try.

The stairs were no where to be found. Did she take a left or right turn? Did she go through the wrong doorway? Fuck. She was lost, in a strange school, with a cheating boyfriend.

Frazzled, she went into a bathroom (it had one of those stick figure ladies on it, that means for sure if was a bathroom, right?) She dashed passed the flowers, the sink, the sorority girl, and locked herself in a stall. Blair pulled the lid down and collapsed. She felt the urge to get on her knees, stick her finger down her throat and vomit. What did she eat last? It was probably that croissant she took with her from the Yale cafeteria. She scarfed it down with butter, deciding she would pick up a more suitable lunch later. She didn't. Was it too late to try...?

No. Throwing up doesn't solve any problems. Blair knew that. But, dear God, they sure made her feel better, even if only for a second.

She felt warm tears stain her cheeks. She hasn't been in that mind set in years– ok, months. The very fact Chuck made her think of relapsing made her so angry with a pinch of self pity.

The drops fell to her lap. Blair tried to remain as quiet as one can, sniffles bypassing her lips occasionally. Luckily she had the power to control herself when someone ever came in, then resuming as they left. She was unsure how much time she spent there. Looking back on the ordeal years later, Blair came up with the assumption of an hour. Actually, an hour and a half including recovery.

Gathering tissues in her palm, she patted them against her swollen eyes. Taking a deep breath, Blair was thinking about what she was going to do next. There's no way in hell she was getting up from this seat looking like she did; she was afraid to open her compact mirror. Oh, she had looked worse, like when she tried anal sex the first time (that memory, to Blair's dismay, was impossible to oppress) or her first Yale party, when she had woken up in a lesbian's dorm with nothing on but a raunchy t-shirt (that shirt being the only thing she remembers from that event). However, she still winced when she saw herself.

Her eyes were the worst thing about her appearance, that was certain. She would wait until the redness subsided. Blair bit down on her bottom lip, pink and swollen.

After collecting herself, Blair stood up, unlocked the stall, and started walking.

To where, she did not know.

--

Shit, shit, fuck shit.

Once again, Chuck Bass let his penis take over.

As soon as Blair disappeared (her tempting scent leaving with her..did she get a new perfume?), Chuck groaned. It wasn't a groan of pleasure, that ship had sailed. It was one of guilt and knowing stupidity.

Jessica (or Jennifer) sighed. "I'm gonna go," she said bluntly. She was clad in only a navy bra, her shirt and pants on the floor (underwear no where to be seen). "Jessica" gathered whatever apparel she could find and put it on. Fuck the underwear, it wouldn't be the first time she was going commando. And she didn't feel like searching for her missing panties. Her mind was already drifting into thoughts of how much of an asshole this guy was. She cursed herself for sleeping with a someone she just met; she only does this sort of thing when her heart's been broken. After all, "Jessica" was with her boyfriend for two months, so a rebound fuck is so justified. Erica will understand, she's been through this...

After gathering her few belongings and attempting to tame her hair, she went to the door. "Bye, Chuck."

Chuck glanced up at her. "Bye, Jessica."

"It's Jackie," she said, glaring. And with that, she was gone.

Chuck had met Jackie earlier today, in his English literature class. Her strawberry blonde hair was in a clip, her lips shining with gloss.

He didn't care about that, though. Chuck kept replaying the day in his mind, asking himself why the fuck he did this.

The list of excuses was ready: she seduced him and he couldn't help it, masturbation wasn't enough, he was drunk/high...

They both knew none of these reasons were true.

But Chuck had to face it: He cheated on Blair.

–

_Present Day_

Blair had hidden a stash of wine in Chuck's study. It was for herself, and for herself only. She took it out whenever she needed to ponder her life, in good and mostly bad times. She started this tradition a few years ago. 2012, was it? Early May, or late April, she can't remember. The first time Chuck cheated. She remembers, unfortunately vividly, ordering wine at a bar she planned to take Chuck to. Swirling the glass, she questioned every aspect of her life. Blair recalls the wine tasting bitter. How ironic.

As traditions go, they usually aren't dreaded like this (except large family gatherings, but that's a different kind of dread). Blair popped the bottle open and poured the crimson liquid into a glass. She raised it to her lips and drank. She refused to cry, or think of purging.

Well, she refused to purge.


End file.
